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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
t q7 p( r. K/ J8 jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get, a1 k- A) I; t& z( s& W O n2 u
into a regular workout routine.
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9 L9 x. \3 Q( d' N+ c1 r1 o jDear Diary:( }; r+ R7 Q/ L/ L
, o/ {" e, k, W0 }- `3 qFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
2 A$ c& d# ]( vweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I* g- {* @9 h7 f& [& x& S
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25; K! H- q! [& k
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
2 u3 L4 K- a U2 N6 u Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer9 I4 U3 e% Z% x& J
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics' U% F) R$ }4 ~
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
8 z* j( n2 F/ r2 v$ A6 U# |encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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! R' V+ i0 t2 x, J+ t9 k( H" r+ BMONDAY:! m/ T8 `4 a v& _, l
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
. z) \4 e$ K: Z6 Q1 }) n! xworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
! V# e9 n" _, Z3 z/ W/ W3 D# cme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
2 B- E6 P5 m, j9 J5 ^/ \; h* Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed e0 q8 K, R) L# j2 S9 Q) N9 M
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her; ~1 s# C; H! x$ _! j, c
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) Q7 \. u" O, j2 v" H2 g1 \which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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( _5 v# U- ]5 t- ~$ p. J9 IVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& H# w# K5 o8 J3 o0 B9 p0 }although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
% H# B# a3 I- V" A% o4 [" g! fwas around.% l5 h* l6 b+ _
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!" E) x/ b! ^0 |8 j6 x
: T) U- T( ^1 t' o) l9 ZTUESDAY:) E) ?" q- F! s! u7 ^+ Z
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.# ]+ W% N2 w- \' _ f0 S M5 [
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,# ~/ P! t3 ?; N* K2 o$ w
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the4 a4 M+ ]. c# {! \8 s9 a' G& g
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it' b) d3 U* f3 @ E! D* Y: q4 G- U& P
all worthwhile.
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0 k6 W. C4 h u4 ^! q" i$ kI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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7 F4 s* m: s. _! RWEDNESDAY:% a6 a, q. S1 S: R3 k; d( U8 d5 B7 T
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
& u, |0 w8 t8 i7 A% ?1 s" othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have7 z1 m4 M$ o: i1 G% O- }& |2 ^
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
& w8 t; t" J8 ^4 Z/ F5 ?! u+ ?% @steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams9 _; U5 L! S% z5 A# {6 J
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for& F2 Y7 X) f% f
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine% v" l: ?! V+ a
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
9 n. h2 N/ y( [9 Y/ b S. FBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a3 e8 n7 P2 m9 w4 L# D5 ^' I, O
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. k9 B2 }& k8 S4 \/ }told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 K4 U. d9 S( m* z" h- mShe said some other shit too.& t2 w w$ z% Y& r$ P% s! r* }
& W# @% H' K( [. p5 @2 HTHURSDAY:
) B8 r6 g1 ~4 @, T, `Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as0 t# t1 R( t# B( j/ o
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help( H) g9 c' | g; e/ ^
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 j4 Z% e1 j m: j6 m( ?! ktook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
& I$ r9 `7 D5 t% Fhid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing! I! \8 f: @. j$ g( f/ F
machine -- which I sank.3 ]/ x! U- i+ z
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FRIDAY: W$ E& I4 M, w3 k( h
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
+ K$ t l3 M. K+ z6 Bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 p6 }! V) e' W5 J
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I" d5 D: o+ P' a* z0 D W- ]# S
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
2 t% m7 b: g4 f- B3 l; \( i+ \- ^wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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6 E& B% {- U% a5 d. f+ X2 tAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me( n: k. r7 _4 _$ Y5 @6 u7 j$ @5 `4 y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
+ T1 F% L: z" G, e% B8 U6 ]/ h" v) T2 O; h+ h$ D. b$ p& P! C% ]
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
6 |6 T6 d, j- G/ W! {1 S+ Bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
1 c1 f3 ~& n- j0 Lor the choir director?& j; m0 ]" Z7 n, i
/ k. L& c; }" w" ESATURDAY:7 Z- H6 n! H/ t( t' y
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,, P; X: M$ U2 M. t- Z
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' n5 [- G K8 X+ Q9 p- D4 vmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the# R' J! z# P& d2 j+ `5 j
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight, R$ k" M0 S* [, J' o$ m. {
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
+ h x, z; o7 g( w5 _8 QI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( a4 w9 o* T* f" C f Gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* F6 A( ?) j) pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
% r; R, d7 |9 t. w4 u& Na root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
