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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something5 G- h4 i( Z7 ~2 S* v1 ?
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! d5 `9 b7 N6 Tinto a regular workout routine.; e% C8 q4 s }) k0 f" Y: v1 N% }! I
4 H* s, {( ^* f2 L" [2 ]6 yDear Diary:! R" f* `2 i5 @2 V j
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a+ k& Y2 L8 \5 c' ?( s, Q
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I& Y/ D% p j7 O( ? L5 V( P
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 M8 s' E6 K- A, q- U8 L+ m' G, r' r
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a) V: ^/ [9 V2 B4 M
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer/ b0 ~; w' j% f# |7 j5 H; Z& o* G
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ g* c ~5 @* g( Dinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
, q7 ^$ ]) D! G9 i/ @/ I* x0 s8 q6 \encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.# j" D0 t2 |# Q$ z; g' |
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
/ x+ t3 k4 I; ~ gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
" y* R. t, H9 ]% f r. F, y6 \me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing7 s0 m/ D. h8 f( }4 L b
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!. j) j) R G a; F& H, E3 ^
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
! v3 X& I4 V( A0 P3 @that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her- X( P U7 e9 | H! v
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 n3 T$ o' n& O4 `8 G# Owhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.% v: y% a# l; O. c' v' F Y7 U
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,2 L3 K1 P Y4 c1 Q- F9 r! Y: f F
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
! i4 t: u. }# H4 {9 C) m) \was around.3 W+ g7 j( L U# F1 r* N
% T4 f4 d: ?6 i n8 jThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!# L4 Q* f; \# N; G2 H4 f% V
5 P+ h! {8 B: i4 a' a+ D eTUESDAY:& m$ ^" ?% }# M6 F9 ~
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 T" g1 Q9 ]; }Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,& ~1 n8 I" F: b! U) `+ w* k
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& U# G3 B# T9 W9 B% j4 p( V9 s" [1 Ytreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it5 A3 w: \. l% Q7 ]: A2 _
all worthwhile.8 }% c9 \ d5 X! R
3 B, U0 \$ @8 i/ v p8 VI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
1 H) x8 J* g: a# `The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, Q3 W* W& Y$ l, Ethe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
1 J+ w8 J& S- `$ F3 O* y/ Ia hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to0 ^) C0 a8 v6 v' e
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
8 m: N; z) n4 Q" Z- ybothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
% c5 \. `) o9 _: E. X3 ]* B- gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine E( J6 Z8 z# e6 d3 r; S# j
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
' X2 z7 C1 G* A3 g9 kBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a" y, e' R, {" r7 U5 Q2 o' x& O
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
9 Z: Y& I& J# W$ F- Utold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. Z% M- ]% q9 g$ A7 i& a
+ @$ {7 ]1 I7 S2 [- y5 @: P* p4 WShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:7 c7 X; d3 ?3 D* H- H$ }
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as8 E4 N8 O }3 t+ I3 T# O
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
! {9 D4 B2 g" q/ z" T, abeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda5 f& R6 c9 I4 N5 o' S
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and- G! c5 \+ \. ?+ @2 T$ Z' x
hid in the men's room.2 x1 j9 [1 m/ {6 E9 _' `& _+ T3 ~
. s" \; C/ S6 J4 }1 e3 m" n# aShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing3 _9 ]5 B7 \! A* T
machine -- which I sank.5 V5 c8 |0 I( C% |' h/ _
5 H. |6 q% }4 C+ M2 v( l6 j$ t! ?$ KFRIDAY:8 C: A( g6 ]% h: E- K( K
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated9 Q! m9 l, X5 ]: ?1 q
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 S6 v! i! h0 v7 F( D( m- m: e' c) xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I1 J3 k5 i+ d) h" z1 m
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda0 |$ _4 V l- B1 O
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
+ N8 S# j% u9 l) i0 k$ Zthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.; Q' E3 @" W4 y/ T& X
3 k& V/ r% a; B5 l. o1 \! fThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
& M* U8 } h; m9 bteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
$ n7 |' a. a4 b. E' yor the choir director?( w* E/ W( y* i$ X6 ?
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SATURDAY:; f: A! z9 Y0 {2 G1 \
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 j4 C7 X- g; k! N3 N
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
3 G! n8 R2 c0 lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the& ] L2 O2 G& Q6 E% H3 L
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
$ X1 f/ j- w: p9 D. ]hours of the Weather Channel.7 u( N* t% S* s/ } U. ~4 {; j
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SUNDAY:
% M6 F9 |- W# N- M1 ]I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
7 K$ x2 R" M% \# H) g. U$ \6 Xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,4 \" G5 y8 `9 r8 Q& }; t
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
$ ~7 R- J# y# A% h% |3 N( b$ ~' P ]a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
